Mypolar Disorder

Last week, I decided to ease up on myself re getting back to my book. It was stressing me out, frustrating and overwhelming me. Between work, managing the villa rentals, my pregnancy fatigue and planning for the baby and all the expected life changes, writing felt too much. I was floundering and my lack of progress was bringing me down and affecting my mood.

It makes me sad to not be writing, but it is also a relief in the morning now not to be trying to cram in a few hours before work as well as get any extra villa stuff done.

I hoping this is a break and not me quitting altogether. I hope that one day soon I’ll get fulfill this dream.

starfoxy:

It seems that everybodys mania is different.

I have done some DUMB.ASS.SHIT when I’ve been manic. It typically starts with a slight feeling of excitement - like I’m waiting for my 7th birthday party guests to arrive. I’ll feel like that for a few days. My heart flutters. I can’t sleep or eat.

I am too wonderful. I’m pretty, clever, interesting, sexy. Everything in my life so far has gone to plan so I trust myself to make the right decision in anything I do. This tends to be a time when I do particularly well in life - job interviews, making friends etc. It’s easy to impress people when you have 100% belief in yourself that you’re the right person for the job.

Doing well only exacerbates things. Because I get so talkative and chatty with everyone I meet in the street, at bus stops, shop assistants they often compliment me or go out of their way to help me. It feeds my mania. ‘I’m glowing’ I think, everyone is helping me because I’m radiant and shiney and they can see how special I am. I can see myself as my parents must have seen me when I was born - special daughter, precious gem.

Everything seems to go my way when I’m manic, everyone goes out of their way to help me. Everyone wants to be your friend because you’re going out partying untill 5 am. Dancing non stop. Achieving a lot and making lots of jokes.

When I’m manic I get a very ‘pink’ view of things. I truly believe all my plans will work out. Anyone doubting this is negative and trying to hold me back. Any slight negativity from anyone ‘yes but have you thought about how you’re going to afford that city center flat - did you take bills into consideration’ or ‘no we can’t go on holiday, we don’t know each other well enough yet’ is negative and trying to crush me. They obviously can’t keep up with me and I feel held back. Like they’re jealous of me or even trying to sabotage my life.

I get extremely paranoid and irritable. I’ve had arguments with friends and co-workers who have ended up saying …. ’ you sound crazy, you’re twisting everything I’m saying - what the hell is wrong with you?!’ - I have no idea what I’ve been saying to make them think that.

I start feeling like I am blessed somehow, like I am a particularly lucky or special person. Yes this bus came just as I got to the bus stop for a reason. I have paranormal and spiritual forces helping me with my life.

A manic episode, for me, feels like I’m running as fast as I can without believing that I can fall. I run faster than my legs can carry me. This inevitably causes a trip up that smashes me down into depression. The mania lasts for months at a time, slowly building momentum untill it picks up it’s pace.

The crash is horrible, but in a lot of ways it’s not as bad as the mania. So I try and take my depression as a better alternative to mania. At least I can sleep and it’s safer for me to be in my house depressed than it is for me to be going around embarrassing myself manic.  

demeter42:

“I’m afraid I can’t do that today because my serious psychiatric illness is making me want to either sleep or throw up, or possibly both, and my only achievable plan for the rest of the day is to hide in my apartment and contemplate my loserness.  Maybe we can try next week?”

Read More

All-or-nothing thinking

Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)

Overgeneralization

Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I can’t do anything right.”)

The mental filter

Ignoring positive events and focusing on the negative. Noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right.

Diminishing the positive

Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“She said she had a good time on our date, but I think she was just being nice.”)

Jumping to conclusions

Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader (“He must think I’m pathetic.”) or a fortune teller (“I’ll be stuck in this dead end job forever.”)

Emotional reasoning

Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel like such a loser. I really am no good!”)

‘Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’

Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do, and beating yourself up if you don’t live up to your rules.

Labeling

Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”)

(Source: helpguide.org)